From Widower to Writer
When CJ’s wife, Ariana, died after living with cancer for six years, he thought he understood grief. He was wrong. What followed was a year of profound isolation, crushing responsibility, and the shattering realization that everything he believed about loss was a myth.
CJ INFANTINO
Author of:
Torn Pages From A Broken Heart
Torn Pages From A Broken Heart is not another book about the "stages of grief."
It's a brutally honest look at what it really means to be a widower, not a single parent, but a man whose soul was ripped in half, left to raise three children while learning to exist without his best friend, his north star, his everything.
A journey of loss through stories and art
Written during his first year of widowhood, these pages capture the raw immediacy of fresh grief: the 3 AM breakdowns, the impossible task of explaining death to children, the physical weight of sorrow, and the small moments of unexpected grace that keep you moving forward.
Day Five | 09.29.2020
“This week has been a beautiful tragedy. I have moved in and out of agony, sadness, and acceptance. This morning I woke up and my heart was skipping, my liver hurt and I had trouble breathing. I got up and ran into the room to check on Ariana.
It was dark, the kids were sleeping and I saw her breathe. The symptoms subsided. Since being with Ariana I have always developed sympathy pains with her. I can’t explain it, I know it sounds unreal but it happens.
Through her pregnancies, surgeries, and treatments, I felt it all too a much lesser degree. I have been scared to lose that connection with her. It has been torturing me.
I was unable to sleep Friday and Saturday because I felt like I was dying along with her every time I closed my eyes. But now that I can sleep, my mind is consumed with another fear–I wasn’t good enough to her. I fear I didn’t thank her enough for how amazing she made my life and my kids life. I am broken that I didn’t do enough for her during her time with this fucking disease. I know some of you may say it’s absurd or irrational, but it’s hard to not look back and find moments where I could have been better.
She deserved the world, the moon and the sun. And I worry I only gave her the world.”
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